now my heart is full.

Here’s a photo of me and my favorite little accessory at the South of the James Market, just hanging out with friends (photo by Kira).

After a period of somewhat-calm I’ve been feeling a wave of hectic sweeping over me again, for a few reasons. We’re going through big changes at work, reimagining some of our workflows from the ground up, which is incredibly time-consuming and each issue you tackle opens up new issues. Birthday season in my family is in full swing, with all of its related gift shopping / wrapping and celebrating. I’m trying (and failing) to identify some kind of consistent workout schedule for myself, which I’m pretty sure is completely impossible if you’re nursing and you work full time. We need to refinance the house so there’s a pile of paperwork I need to get together. And Morella is sick right now with her first cold, so sniffly and just not even acting like herself really. So all of this is swishing around in my head when I’m trying to get through the day. And in a very un-Tess-like way it’s been hard for me to divide and conquer. The foolproof action here is to make a list, and defeat the list. But I’m feeling more paralyzed than usual.

Being a parent is so much. It’s just the happiest, most amazing thing imaginable and the most terrifying, gut-wrenching thing at the same time. I don’t mind the crying or the waking up or any of those things that babies do that people think of as annoying, but when you’re lying in the dark in the middle of the night listening to your child sniffle and struggle, you get hit in the stomach with how much you love her, and how hard it is to love someone that much. Dan got up to soothe her and when he came back he was like “She’s just so helpless…” and we just lay there silently, overwhelmed with how beautiful she is and how much we love her and how much it hurts not to be able to help her. And guys, this is just the common cold. A lifetime of way more painful passages than this await us.

I feel like George Banks at the end of FOTB Part II: “And then I thought about baby number three, and 25 more years of moments like this. And suddenly, I was tired.”

Such an overload of delight and difficulty these past few days. And all I can really feel when I think more deeply about it is thankfulness. As much as I hate change, I’m so glad this is all happening.


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