Friday night Travis Conner died. It’s weird to hear about someone dying when you used to be close with them, but had lost touch over time. I don’t really know how to grieve for someone who was in my life probably four days a week for a while, and then lately had kind of disappeared. I keep thinking that this was not honestly a huge shock to me; I had known he was miserable. But of course the first thing your human brain wants to do is rationalize and understand everything, and of course you just can’t. I hope that in some way he’s found the peace he was looking for…but it keeps popping into my head: Where was that guy lately? Why hadn’t I talked to him in so long? Probably questions lots of people ask themselves when something like this happens. You always say “oh he was such a great guy, really”…and it seems like you’re just saying that because now he’s gone. But again in this case as with Jonny Z, I’m left telling someone who didn’t know him: “But seriously, really. He really was just the nicest, friendliest, most understanding guy ever.” It seems like such a formulaic thing to say but it’s the honest-to-God truth. I wish I had been a better photographer, because these photos of him are pathetic and don’t do him any justice. He was a great photographer, which makes it all the more silly to look at these blurry, four-year-old photos in remembrance of him.
I know there are people who were closer with him who are probably in absolute freakout mode right now. I wish there were more emotional ways I could help them than just “hey do you want me to make you some food?” or something, but I guess you have to trust that if your friends need something, they’ll ask for it. It’s hard to even talk about it because you don’t want to “break the seal” on anyone’s crying. Maybe that’s why I’m blogging about it at 6:30am. This is a strong community, and we’ve always found constructive ways to grieve; I hope it’ll be the same this time.
As little as I did see Travis in recent months, I will say that my future seems slightly less bright when faced with the prospect of no more of those amazing hugs from Travis. He had these ridiculously long spider-arms that would wrap you up and squeeze the daylights out of you. When mentioned in casual conversation, people would say “Oh heck yeah. You mean tall Travis? The one with the great hugs? Oh yeah I know him.” I mean after he got rid of the rattail, that was how people identified him.
Time to get ready for work now, unfortunately. I don’t really feel like it; I think tonight’s viewing will be really hard and I don’t want to do anything but curl up on the couch until then.
All my friends are amazing though, and this weekend was really great except for the bad news. Dan has been amazing about everything. Saturday night we had people over for veggie tacos and it was really nice. Yesterday we had a mega lazy day, just hanging around watching movies and cleaning up. I actually really liked Fatal Attraction, even though Michael Douglas was as gross as ever. I can’t stand him.
If anybody wants to talk or needs me to do anything, even the smallest little errand or something, just let me know.